New Website for Ellen5e

There is a new website for me that is finally up!! You can follow me now on the website Ellen5e.com.

WHAT IT WAS VS. WHAT IT IS

I have had quite a few brand new friends who I have met via newmedia and on the internet who have never heard me talk before the "ATTACK" so when they hear me speaking on the recent video clips they do not think anything about my heavy weird accent.

ASIDE: By the way the votes for "What kind of accent do you think it is?" is leaning very heavily toward French and Swedish/Norwegian. One good friend has accused me of being a Russian spy. And one of my 4H dog club kids thinks I sound British like Victoria Stillwell of dog training fame.

BEFORE To help those people who have never heard my "regular talking voice" here is a clip of me conducting an interview of an intercity ministry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JQjncoi9jc You will notice some hesitation in my speech as I am thinking of the questions off the cuff, but even a very untrained ear can tell I do not sound like the same person.

AFTER Now... compare this to my most recent little clip from last night
http://www.tokbox.com/vm/b6ae3opqguin

You hear a very noticeable difference don't you??
Friends, students and family are helping me to laugh about it, because if I don't stay light-hearted enough it will make me want to cry.

THIS IS NOT ME!!
My regular voice is gone! Instead I am having to hear these weird accents coming out of my mouth. STILL, I am extremely thankful to have any voice at all. Can you imagine it?

I have had friends call me on the phone, and then just about hang up as they say "I'm sorry, I have gotten the wrong number." I go into a quick "wait a minute! it is me, Ellen, don't hang up!" Then I must give them some kind of fact that a stranger wouldn't know, to convince them it is ME!! It IS me!!

It has now been a week and a half since the first numbness showed up, and almost as long that I have been speaking with a foreign accent. I sometimes get a bit down about the situation. No doctor has an answer about what is going on -- we just don't see any obvious signs of stroke or any bad tumor or anything on CT or MRI.

The speech therapist I saw on Wednesday was thinking maybe Bells Palsy, but some of the symptoms do not jive. I have just started finding something called "Foreign Accent Syndrome" mentioned on the web. So I will continue to research as I await my neurologist appt. on the 29th.

I praise God that He never gives us more than we can handle. I am being forced to
(1) speak funny OR (2) shut-up. Those of you who know my passion for communication (talking with people and about the Gospel) know which option of those two that I am taking.

Here are some things running through my head a lot lately:
"Be still -- and KNOW -- that I AM GOD!" --
We are fearfully and wonderfully made; tho' this is scarey it IS facinating!
I must laugh because if I take it too seriously I will cry.
How much faith do I really have?
I choose to believe that God IS in control of even this.

What do you think about this? I REALLY want to know.
I am seeking any advice, ideas or answers anyone might have.

STRENGTH FROM THE STRUGGLE

I am now back from the hospital and am continuing to have speech problems. 

Rather than write everything down... I went to Tokbox and created 4 little video mails that explains everything up to now.

I hope you will watch these so you can view how difficult it is to speak, how very different I sound right now, and because I think God is using this trial to teach many people how God uses the weak and unusual things of this world, if we let Him.

Just click on the red links to view the videos:

What Is Going On? Part 1

What Is Going On? Part 2

What Is Going On? Part 3

What Is Going On? Part 4

Now that you have seen these clips you can rejoice with me someday, when God reveals how he using this trial for His glory.

 LEARNING A LOT DURING THIS TIME:

1)  God IS in control, therefore this is happening for a reason, AND not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of others, and ultimately His glory.

2)  This speech problem may be God's 2x4 across my head - way of getting my attention about being extra careful when choosing words and speaking.

3)  A test for vanity: if I am so concerned about how I am sounding when I speak that I get so hung up on how I sound to the other person, then I would not speak at all for prideful fear of looking ridiculous.  I am learning it is more important to show that I believe my message is more important to deliver DESPITE the way it makes me look.  In this way I can communicate "I love you so very much that I will say it even if it makes me LOOK ridiculous"!

4)  Interesting FACT:  our dog Spirit obeys my verbal commands even better since I am having this speech problem. I am thinking that maybe it is like everything else; it is the "unusual" that gets our attention. Everyone else's voices sound similar. But mine is now so unusual that she can easily separate it out of the crowd of other noises in the environment ... it is much easier to filter out the racket and see what is really important. Hmmm. I think there is a good analogy there!

5)  Patience -- I don't know about you, but I want problems fixed and NOW!!  So I have been increasingly hard on myself when it comes to this mess.  I am looking at it as: "what did I do wrong?"; "when will this be over?";  "how can I make it better and faster". What can I DO??

Lesson I am learning: God is STILL in control (always has been) and if I would quit fighting Him I will be able to rest in the peace that comes with that understanding.  It is NOT about what I can or cannot do --- (all about ME syndrome) --- rather it is again that God is showing me to "be still and know that HE is God".

6)  Faith -- so this is another time of growing my faith.  I do not like it; it is uncomfortable and an inconvenience not only to me but also to my loved ones.  

CONSIDERING THE BUTTERFLY EMERGING FROM COCOON

Did you know that if you were to cut open a cocoon to help the struggling butterfly get out of it's cocoon, you would actually be doing it harm??  You see that relatively ugly, slimy, can only crawl so far in two whole days little caterpillar gets to go into one of the greatest transformations that I can think of in nature.  God transforms this worm into a beautiful flying testimony in the course of a few days. But it is in the struggling that the new butterfly does while in the midst of the cocoon that he builds up his wing strength. 

It is during the struggling that the strength is developed! Did you get that!?  If you were to feel sorry for this new butterfly and cut open it's cocoon to ease it's struggle, or allow it out sooner, even if the butterfly's wings had fully developed, they would not be strong enough for him to fly upon!!  You would only have a more beautiful worm, that LOOKS like a butterfly, but crawls around like a caterpillar.  He would be freed from his temporary struggling only to be limited by his unreached potential. How very sad!

Therefore, I am looking at my current neurological and speech trial as just a temporary time of strengthening for me as well.  God wishes to transform me into the likeness of His Son Jesus. Although, I do want to get better as soon as possible. I do NOT want let out of the cocoon one second too early.  I don't only want to look like Him, but also be able to have the required strength to act like Him. 

If you were blessed by this posting I would love for you to leave a comment. Thanks and may God bless you!

Sensitivity and Numbness.

It is interesting that God seems to be using "numbness" to teach me "sensitivity".
Sensitivity to His plans being more important than mine. Submission and asking for advise and help must be used when my own decisions are unpredictable.

My family and close friends know that I've been having greater word finding problems as well as poor decision making, memory, org. skills. Now it has escalated to include some other problems that I can't ignore as being a flare up of Chronic Fatigue.

Yesterday, fatigue was horrible, severe headache and then 4:30ish numbness in lips and rt. side of face, stiffness in neck increased and went from just numbness/tingling thick feeling to sometimes burning.

This morning, I woke up to spreading of numbness down my rt arm.
RATS! God really wants my attention here I think.

I've just finished wrestling with myself to submit to God's plan of not relying on my own understanding, which is clearly failing when decision making is so cruddy. I sought outside advise. It actually looks like I'm going to have to do the unthinkable and forego my fun plans for this glorious sunny day to plant and do gardening with my daughter. I was really looking forward to that more than you know. Instead wisdom says I need to go to ER.

I'm pretty bummed about that, but it is the "right" thing to do. I must be able to rule out stroke vs. just some kind of pinched or inflamed nerves. My family dr. said it's up to me whether I go into ER or not! Thanks for no help there Doc. Seriously, he said he couldn't diagnose over the phone, but nurse recommends that since its involving mental stuff, probably not just a pinched nerve. So she suggests I go ahead and go into the ER.

Other friend said better go in cuz no matter what, something is definitely wrong..

So I must forgo one of my favorite activities to go sit for hours in ER. Grrr!
Please pray for the situation. Tho' I'm not happy about this, I can do nothing but what I believe to be right and trust that I am in God's loving care no matter what.

My Title of this blog post is a great start off for a spiritual illustration that is brewing in my mind, but I am afraid that it will have to wait; I'm going to the ER now.