Without a Leg to Stand On

Surgery Discription
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

The last few days have been really tough. I always have chronic pain, so I usually have a pretty high pain threshold. However, this latest surgery has ground me down more than any previous. Since I have had extra time awake in the middle of the night, I have used the time for closer examination of this phenomena. Why is this time so different?

Almost all of the other 39 surgeries have involved my LEFT ankle, foot, leg, knee. As a result I have gotten very good at making left-favoring body accommodations. While favoring my left side, I balance and make micro adjustments with my right side of my body, where there are no fusions or limitations to keep me from doing so.

Here is the crux of the problem. Now, that the RIGHT foot had to be operated on due to biomechanical changes resulting from all that unnatural gaiting and balancing, the LEFT foot simply cannot offer the same kind of support to the right, as the right has done for the left. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

I can hear my right foot now. "Oh sure, I'm there standing right beside you for all those dozens of surgeries, picking up your slack; supporting you. Then, the ONE time I need a little help, you wimp out on me! What's up with that?!" lol

It is by trying to play peacemaker to these two feet of mine that I learn that I have been just as guilty of not understanding the true nature of the problem. It is so easy to "blame" someone else, or to take on false guilt myself. I "should" be doing more. I "must've" done something wrong. Nope, I must examine what is really "true." What is that?

These are the facts: 21 years ago I was struck by a car which changed the direction of my physical capabilities forever. There are things that I will NEVER be able to do again on this earth. There are things that I dreamed of doing, that I will never get to do, period. The sooner I face those facts, the better.

Because I am allergic to all the pain meds that most people can take for relief, I am not able to receive the relief from Chronic pain that many people have come to expect from modern medicine. Though I feel entitled, the fact is, I am not. This "thorn in my flesh" is mine. God only knows why. But, whatever the reason, I do trust Him. In a sick kind of way, I am honored. For God's Word says that He will never give us more than we can endure. He has a whole lot more faith in my abilities than I do.

I’ve just returned from the follow-up appointment with the surgeon. Dr. Karl Raynor explained to my husband and I exactly what he did in there. He also showed us the x-rays. There is a bunch of swelling and bruising, but no infection. YEAH!

Recovery is underway. It will take some time, but I will get through it and be stronger on the other side. But, for now, it's just one step at a time on this journey of life.

If you click HERE you will see more photos of the foot up close and they are not for weak stomachs.

A Little Birdy Told Me

Oliver Comp perch 02
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

Well, a not-so-little Patagonia Conure parrot actually told me to hang in there. This post surgery pain has GOT to let up soon. Oliver, the bird, actually jumped off of his cage, waddled down the hallway, climbed up the sheets and onto my shoulder. He was concerned about me and new that the Spirit the wonder dog had kept coming in here to see me.

Therefore, not to be outdone, Oliver made the extra effort to show that dogs are not the only loyal pets in this household.

You can see other flickr photos of my pets' bedside manners by clicking here.

Dig - Dug Drag

Excavation Day2
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

Please pray for Steve. My poor husband has been digging for two days now, in the cold weather trying to get to the place where the lateral drain has collapsed. He is determined to uncover the spot by hand and THEN have a contractor come in to pull permits and actually perform the repair in order to save hundreds of dollars.

The only problem is, well, not having draining water for our household has already meant that he's made a run to the laundry mat; lots of sponge baths, and fine china equals paper plates. I am thankful that so far he is doing a good job of not overly straining his back and also takes frequent breaks to recover from working in the cold.

He has removed a lot of tree roots, but still hasn't uncovered the area that the snake prodding says is only about six feet from the clean-out.

You have to wonder what the neighbors are thinking. Looks grave-like especially with the black plastic bags of straw nearby. lol

Big Pain with BAD drain

Monday we discovered that we have a BIG problem. Apparently our drain from the house to the street has collapsed. Right before Thanksgiving we had a problem with draining laundry water backing up into the tub of the bathroom across the house while also overflowing the toilet. AAH!

Thank God I happened to have just gone to the bathroom so I was there to get everything up off the floor and also put up a dam of towels to keep water from getting to the carpeted hallway. Still I spent all afternoon cleaning up and bleaching. YUCK!

My husband Steve, rented a power auger and used it in the drain cleanout and things were better... we thought. It happened again... water is not draining from tub, for a very long time. When we go and glance outside, the cleanout cap has water oozing out, which means the pipe has certainly been blocked downline.

Several homes in our 1960s neighborhood have the "gopher dirt line" running from their house toward the street showing that they too had to replair/replace drain pipe. Apparently clay drainage pipes and plus we have clay soil, so FAIL.

Right now, we are only flushing 2 times a day. Sponge bathing and Steve 1 minute shower. At least Steve is able to use toilet at work for solid waste, but I am worried when my time comes. Gonna have to use a 5-gallon bucket with lid as a chamber pot and then impose on a friendly neighbor. We need this fixed ASAP!!!!

Now here's where the real pain comes in. Normally, a repair like this would cost $3,000 plus. Steve has decided that he will use a snake, determine approx area of collapse, then dig by hand. Bigger pain, FRIGID weather. Ground is freezing up as we are having hard freezes in teens at night and 20's or 30's in daytime. PLUS Steve has a very demanding work load at his job, so not time to take a day off. So it's gonna be slow going. By the time he gets home in the evening he only has about an hour of semi-daylight with which to dig. Plus the snow is coming.

I have a bale of straw in the back to use for insulating my roses and strawberry patch. So I suggested to Steve that he fluff some of that up into some large plastic lawn bags to lay down on the soil to try to insulate temperature of soil a bit.

We've already located the gas and water lines and Steve's looked at the utilities map at the City. So, a shovelful at a time, he will dig to the collapsed pipe area and expose it. THEN, he will bring in the contractor who will pull the permits and actually do the repair. Steve can then help do the back fill to save more money. So we will get the bill from the thousands to the hundreds. All of this is gonna take so long to do : (

Please pray for my dear husband, that he doesn't hurt his back, shoulders or neck during the endeavor, as well as his overall health as it is so cold and he is under increased stress of the situations. Thank you!

I praise God that we still have water coming INTO the house, so we are not without water. We have electricity, heat, food and communications. Most importantly, we are blessed to have each other. it will be interesting to see how this all comes out.

A "NOVEL" IDEA: I thought it would be neat to have a "Tom Sawyer Painting Party"-kind of event. Friends and Christian brothers show up with shovels and "dig in". I feel so unhelpful, because I really would be out there digging myself, but God has me in surgery recovery "oh-n0-you-don't" mode. Lord knows this is a very difficult place for me to be.

This life truly is a wonderful journey and even these trials prove to be an opportunity to learn and grow in love and understanding. Thanks for reading this.
If you have any experiences or advise to share, I would very much like to hear from you.

Big Pain with Ultimate Gain

Okay, so I really thought that surgery number thirty-nine last February would be that last one I'd need in a long time. However, at my last ortho follow-up, my doctor and I discussed the need for another minor surgery. This one would be required on my "good" (right) foot.

You see, due to all the surgeries on my left (leg, ankle, foot, fusions, staples, screws and metal rod, etc....) biomechanics make me walk oddly across my right foot. Over time my big toe started turning more to cross over my other toes and metatarsal bone started shifting position.

So this surgery required opening from above, aligning the metatarsal bone with the others, and then taking another wedge of bone from big toe bones. That's right... with my surgeon's talent... I will now be straightened out and fly.... um, er, ... "walk" right. LOL

Surgery is over, and the healing begins. Since I am allergic to pain meds it makes it a painful process, but I have gotten great relief from the surgically placed pain block (now worn off) and some morpheine. The few pills they did give me for take home are helping for now, tho' the itchiness is building. Eventually, the rash reaction will outweigh the benefit of the pain and I'll stop taking it. Hopefully, I can endure for the first three worst pain days.

I am therefore back on my crutches. My good ol' friends that help hold me up as I heal. These are the original ones I got 21 years ago when all of this started. Faithfulness is the word. If these things had an odometer on them like a vehicle, they would have tripped over the 100,000 miles mark at least 4 times. : P

However, upon leaving the hospital yesterday, I was issued a new "boot" as I have now worn out my second one to shreds. I usually resole, put on new velcro and keep going. This new boot is more hard-shell plastic so will probably last even longer w/o shredding the neoprene and velcro of the fabric. It is a more visible light gray color instead of the black that I am used to. Which means I'm gonna have a harder time disguising it. Oh well, que sera.

Thanks to my Loving God, I can still celebrate walking with Him, even when I am not walking --- think about it. My soul can dance even while I am on crutches. Time to heal or is it heel? LOL

Need A Job

I am currently customizing my resume's to potential employment jobs. Using my graphics, design and communication skills has been used as I can help others, but more out of volunteer and learning/teaching rather than pay. And only as my Chronic Fatigue lets me. If my body shuts down, there simply is nothing I can do to keep it going.

There is one medication that I can take to help with energy... only one, non-generic, incredibly expensive medication. It is TOO expensive. So it's a catch 22. I need the medication, to be able to have enough energy to do a job to make money. Aaaah!

So freelancing is the only way I can make a living. Or having someone give me job assignments with an upcoming deadline that I can work toward on a flexible schedule. I am pretty well set up at home to do a variety of work on the computer/internet. I just need to get paid for it and then a steady inflow. That's an area of prayer that continues.

I know there is some way that I can earn money from home office working, but am very leary of all the WORK at HOME ads out on the web. There are way too many scams. It seems the only way to know if an offer/business is reputable is to research it through the Better Business Bureau or Chambers of Commerce and both of those take a lot of time. Plus the disreputable scammers are always closing up quickly so they are harder to catch. Plus, just because there is not a report at the Better Business Bureau doesn't mean that there is not fraud going on; just that they haven't been reported... yet.

The best way to get a job will be from a personal referral. Fortunately for me, all my volunteer work and growing connections on the internet are building out a good job-seeking network. But, I am trusting on my friends to help me get good solid leads. I have gifts and talents, but I just need opportunity. I need someone, or company to believe in me and help me to help them.

If there is anyone that you think could use me as a worker for a fair wage, please let me know won't you? Thanks!

Thanksgiving with a Soldier

This is not your typical holiday greeting or a link to an online card. Rather it is a heartfelt "Happy Thanksgiving" from our WHOLE family. We are here in St. Robert, Missouri to visit with Michelle for a couple of days. We pray that all of you are enjoying your family gatherings and blessings of just being together, let alone the bonuses of yummy seasonal feasts : )
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Yes, this was the first and only time she has seen us since July 1st. NO, she did not get to graduate. We just attended the graduation of most of her company because she wanted us to meet a lot of them, the sergeant's and other cadre. Plus, we were able to learn a LOT about the daily basic training and see some of the drilling in action.

Michelle was granted an overnight pass off base which is unusual for non-grads, but the Sergeants ALL are very impressed with her. You see, she is top-notch, but cannot graduate until she is healed enough to march and run 15k. The most she was able to do before the hip stress fracture was 8k, and then they shut her down for fear of the fracture breaking on through. She sure knows her stuff and she's very good at communicating that to others; civilians or newbies or being quizzed by the brass to explain to other groups.

We are so very PROUD. She is meeting with the adversity of an uncertain future and limitations that she has no control over quite well. She is a bit bothered by the way that medical holdovers on profile (physical limitations) are treated by the rest of the troop as a whole. There ARE fakers and wimps who pretend to be injured, and then there are the legit. We met a young specialist (like corporal) who is gonna have back surgery in January. But it's those that are assigned to crutches that basically don't USE them that gives everyone a bad rep.

After completing 2 cycles now, she is respected by most everyone. But it is the army way to shun the injured to encourage quick healing and compliance.

So with her off base overnight pass, she was able to come back to the hotel with us, eat PIZZA and then we went out to a movie. "BOLT" is a new computer animated movie about a dog that our family wanted to see. It was either that, or the new James Bond movie. The dog in the movie and his relationship with the girl made Michelle really miss being home with Spirit. But it has LOTS of funny lines and happenings in the movie, not to mention the different animation styles. So we thoroughly enjoyed it.

Then, there was the Scrabble game and LOTS of good conversation, and popcorn and junk food. Then she shared the bed with me. Then in the morning, decadence of all time, Krispy Cream Donughts! We're talking lemon cream and raspberry jam filled deliciousness. That and milk was it prior to the Family Thanksgiving Dinner Event put on by the company on base at 1pm. That food was delicious. And the best part was that there was no cooking and cleaning on my part. LOL. Seriously, it was surprisingly tasty and there were an abundance of things I never even got to on the side bar.

Turkey, Ham and Beef, Mashed potatoes and gravy, yams, StoveTop OR Bread stuffing, peas and mushrooms, corn, shrimp cocktail, pumpkin pie, cheese cake, rolls, and more and more that we didn't even go to look at. They charged only $6.15 for Steve and me, and Michelle just checked in. A few of the mess hall employees pulled me aside and said things like "we're not supposed to develop close relationships with the privates, but Spencer is special," and "She's a good one," and "we all like your daughter a lot around here." The one lady (has Michelle's number memorized) wanted a photo of all three of us together. And Michelle asked for one with her and the lady together.

There were a few tears shared between us. During graduation, when the graduates are repeating the Soldiers Creed as one, was very emotional for Michelle and I. Knowing that she has to sit there while they move on. I am sure it was even more emotional for her when her first cycle graduated. The ones in which she really bonded as they broke in together.

The best tears/conversations between her and I came when I spoke with her about how proud we are of her. She and I have a SPECIAL bond. Not just parent and child. Not even as a just good friends. She is not just my offspring, but a Sister in Christ. That is an everlasting bond despite physical place, time or even death. There is great security and thanksgiving in that respect.

But the one thing that we share that no one else can understand to the degree in which I do is : the incredible pain that comes along with having your plans dashed by an unexpected, bodily, limitation in which you have NO control. Physical pain is rough enough, but the emotional pain SUCKS! Now What?

One of the greatest things that I am thankful for in regard to Michelle's situation is that she has a very strong faith. She is tough in dealing with the pain. Sucks it up nicely. BUT she is smart about not doing more damage or ignore that a problem really exists. Finding that balance is a hard, but very important skill.

Click this link to view photos

Current plans are for Steve and I to drive back out to Ft. Leonard Wood mid-December, spend a night, see a couple more museum places and then home for the holidays.

Right now, we believe that Michelle will have to report back to Ft. Leonard Wood at the first of the year and continue on'til they decide what to do next. She is due to get a promotion on January 1st, so that is at least something for her to look forward to.

Christmastime will also include a trip up to cousins and grandparents up in Northern Indiana at some point. Less presents this year due to economy, but more family valuing.

We have many, many things that we are thankful for at this time of year. You, our Dearly Beloved friends and family are chief among those blessings.

No Voice! No Choice!

Wow! My husband Steve and I have just emerged from one of the worst bouts of flu virus that we've had in a long while. He complained of a sore throat a week ago Thursday and then did the unthinkable. He actually came home early from work on Friday because he was so ill. The sore throat took away the voice. The fever and aches made one miserable. To top it off, the lethargy robbed us of any productivity.

Our full-time job became taking care of one another. Whoever went to the kitchen brought back a cup of tea with honey, chicken noodle soup, or Gatorade for the other. Mutual suffering, it was pathetically romantic. As I was about a day and a half later in coming down with this virus, I am the last to get back to 100%, nonetheless, I am at a good 90% tonight. If God blesses me with another hard night of sleep, I believe that I will "come into His house with singing" [Psalm 100] tomorrow morning as we celebrate the Lord's Day at Gray Road. Tomorrow is our special Thanksgiving celebration at the church. So it feels even better to get to go with revitalized health.

This week without being able to use my voice, much at all, gave me a lot of "quiet time". It was truly frustrating to not be able to just call up friends or family, or as I had to croak over the phone when my husband called from work. It made me think about how very much I am thankful for the voice that God has given me. How much I have taken it for granted. Those of you who really know me, know that I am rarely at a loss for words and am very creative at drawing word pictures and illustrations when communicating. So having this "fountain" shut down for the week went from being just pure pain and frustration, to an unexpected opportunity for me to "be still and know that He is God."

Without my voice, I was unable to ask questions. That was weird. It seems that I am a very curious person who is always wanting more details and understanding. Okay. So I learned to just accept it as it is. Don't question it. Take it as it's presented. If I don't understand it, well, then, maybe it's not important that I do so. Let it roll. Whatever... next!

Therefore, the lesson I learned this week with no voice:
No Choice with No Voice but to listen to that which is presented, and just accept it, as is, or NOT. I have the choice to either file it away for later inquiries, or just toss it aside. I don't HAVE to understand every little thing. That's a freedom that I didn't realize that I needed to experience which came to me through the imprisonment of my voice for a week. All in all, a pretty short trial for such a valuable insight.

Halloween - What Did YOU see?

Did YOU see something scary tonight?? Or did you see the beauty of the families walking from house to house together? I was blessed to have over sixty little visitors at our front door this evening. I was further blessed to see there smiles as the candy was placed into their treat bags. Most popular outfits this year seemed to be Power Rangers and Star Wars characters, a few witches and goblins, the expected Scream, and the most precious princesses and darlingest Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz!!

Though some people think that Christians should not celebrate Halloween, we choose to look at it from the standpoint of getting to give to our neighbors and families. A time of interaction where they actually come to my door and talk to me, even if briefly.

I even got to talk to a very well dressed Devil character tonight about how things in the U.S. may look like he's winning right now, but the end of the story has already been settled in the Bible. "In the very end, you WILL lose." A thoughtful laugh was the return from the teen along with a smile. The zombie with him nodded his head in agreement.

To sum it up, the way I see it, this Halloween was a good one spent at home with my husband and a variety of lively visitors.

What's an IQ?

Today I was cleaning out e-mail, linked to a site and took an online IQ test. Most of the questions were sequence related (some of the number sequences were difficult). I always enjoy the graphic sequences and suspect I did best on those and word grouping/meanings.

The final goal of this so-called free IQ test was to try and get me to check out some offers. Thanks, but no thanks. Just pressed the skip and navigated right out of there.

Final Score? According to this thing, my IQ is 140.

What exactly does that mean anyway? Is that good or bad, average or what?
Well, according to the afreeIQTest.com website a score of 140 is in the "superior intellegence" and just about in the range of "MENSA would like to speak to you". Yeah, right.

Anyone that knows me is probably laughing quite heartily now. Me too.

Miracle on My Motorcyle

September 17, 1987 is a special date on the calendar for me. You see, it was 21 years ago today that my life took a major hit. While driving our Kawasaki 550 motorcycle I was broadsided by the car of a young lady performing an illegal U-turn. My life as I had known it (had planned) would never be the same.

It was just before the impact and I was waiting for morning rush hour traffic to clear from one of the two major one-way streets located at the end of my commute to work in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. I knew that I had to wait a few moments more before the traffic cleared. So I took the opportunity to shoot up a praise to God. "What a gorgeous morning it is Father. There is not a single cloud in the sky." Additionally I am going to be early for work, and I am excelling at my job.

Looking back on that moment now, I realize that was the last minute in which I had no chronic pain in my life. I really do forget what that felt like. Perhaps God answered me with " Oh sure, you think it's beautiful and hunky dory now, but let's just see what you think in a minute." I believe that in Heaven, God was gathering the angels to watch what was going to happen next.

After crossing the intersection, I noticed that a car traveling in the opposite direction quickly pulled along the opposite curb as it going to park. But then it happened. The sudden impact broadsided me full force as the black bumper of the Civic instantly crushed my Left Ankle. I found myself startled (WHAT just happened), in great pain as my foot was hit by the car then pushed off the peg, and dragging along the pavement. On top of all that, my head was wizzing by the bumpers of cars parked on my side of the street as I was still moving forward although at an angle of a track bike (like the GT racers we just saw here in Indy).

I jerked with all my might to keep from going down. All the while it occurred to me that I am now driving on the wrong side of the street (from jerking up), my foots dragging, and I must stop in just a few yards BEFORE I enter the intersection with the other major one-way street. AAAAAAH!

This is where I testify to the miracle on my motorcycle. God was at work greatly in my life. He got me to stop the motorcycle before getting hit again. I did NOT go down even though broadsided. I think part of the credit for that goes to the fact that I raced bicycles at Major Taylor Velodrome and in racing class and training we would purposefully jam our bicycles into each other to learn how to avoid wrecks and react to unexpected pedal in your spokes.

Once I had managed to stop the forward movement of the cycle, I was standing there with both hand squeezing the calipers on the handlebar (clutch and brake). I was managing to stay balanced on my one right leg, but it was heavy and my other foot was mangled. What was worse is that I couldn't shift the cycle into neutral because it would have been done by my useless left foot. I was stuck there!!

Just then, a VERY pregnant woman came up the sidewalk to help me. I remember thinking that the gutteral screams that came out of me were not very feminine (surprised that I sounded like a guy) and that I could even scare her away if I didn't quiet them.

She came up to me and saw that I had a problem, but couldn't hear me very well through the running of the motorcycle and due to the fact that the visor of my full face helmet was down. So she was fumbling around trying to undo my helmet. I swallowed all screams of pain and yelled, "PUT... the KICKSTAND.... DOWN!" Once she did that, I killed the bike by turning off the key with the assurance of the kickstand there to keep me from falling over.

I took off my helmet and looked down at my foot. It looked like the ends of two of my toes were missing and I knew that my ankle foot was broken. The lady had called the police and ambulance and wanted to help me to the sidewalk. I initially declined since she looked like she would deliver her baby if she lifted half of my weight. However the incessant throbbing convinced me that I should accept her offer.

We managed to get me to the sidewalk, a couple of very painful steps, and then I was down. Only then did I see that the only damage to the motorcycle was to the left case guard that helps protect the engine... a $50 part!! Another miracle.

Yes, God saw to it that I did not go down, that I had NO other damage to my body other than my left knee, leg, ankle and foot. Do you realize that if I had gone down I wouldn't have been able to even use crutches?

May I just say something about crutches. When I am using them I get the "oh, you poor thing" look from everyone. Others using crutches say, 'don't you just HATE having to use crutches?" My answer is a resounding "NO." I love these crutches. This is the original pair and if they had an odometer on them it would have tripped over the 100,000 mile mark about three times. I don't know what I would have done without them.

When I am on crutches I can really move!! Just ask my friends. Unfortunately, right now I am recovering from a shoulder injury and can't use them yet. So I appreciate them all the more, because without their use I am much more limited. Still I do have the famous "black boot" that I can throw on when I am expecting to be "slammin'" (on my feet or walking a lot). Again, I get the looks and the questions "what happened, did you have another surgery?"

I know that people are generally caring and tend to think that injuries are supposed to get better. But the sad fact is that some of us are never going to recover from our injuries. Not in this lifetime anyway. These appliances (crutches, canes, boots, funny shoes) are just our ways to cope in the meantime. To try to live a productive life in spite of the physical challenges.
I now joke that I have been through probably about a dozen sets of guardian angels. They draw lots up there to NOT have to get me as a client.

Almost half of my life has now been in constant pain.
As a competitive long distance runner I used to just push through the pain. No pain, no gain, right? Maybe so, but you will notice that I don't run anymore. I can't. If it's an emergency or something I can lope along with the understanding that I will have to pay a physical price. I'll be "lame" for a few days, and have to go back to using my crutches.

Worse than that, I often don't realize that I'm overdoing until after it is too late. Again because my way of dealing with pain was to mentally 'shove it aside', I use a kind of self-hypnosis that worked well for me as an athlete, but that can do damage to me now.

Since I am allergic to almost all pain medicines, I can take none. So I really am in constant pain every moment I am awake. But there are a couple of coping skills that I have learned that work for me. Music is the biggest one. When I sing or play, it is a painkiller for me. It helps that I like to sing praises to God with our church worship team and jam on mandolin and guitar with friends. That's why you'll hear me turn almost any sentence into the lyric and break out into song.

Another painkiller is laughter. My friends help me with this one. Laughter is the best medicine is tried and true. I know that depression is just a natural outcome when someone is dealing with chronic anything. There are chemical things happening in the brain with seratonin and endorphins and such. Since I am unable to be as physically active as I was as an athlete it's even more important that I laugh. Like exercise, laughter increases the endorphins; the body's natural pain killers.

So that is why when you first meet me you may think that I am very silly. I am learning to roll with the punches and not take things too seriously. I realize that things could ALWAYS be worse. And, in many people's cases, they are. However, I also realize that no matter what happens it is all under God's control.

Let God be God: get out of the way.
So my plans to be a nurse practitioner were trashed, as were the ability to participate in a lot of the exercises and sports competitions that I enjoyed. Now I have a permanent disability that prevents me from enjoying the life I wanted to live. Besides the walking, standing, foot down time and distance limitations, I have the physical drain of the constant pain. Think about it, when you are in pain you get tired more easily, don't you. I think part of that is from swallowing down the pain, not expressing it through some means. The other problem is the emotional drain. Frustration of not being able to do what I once did, it's never going to get better than this, the extra time that adaptability methods require. It just takes more time to do things.

For me, with my bent toward perfectionism, I need to get rid of the "would have," "could have," "should have" statements. It just is what it is. I am not God. I am learning more and more the importance of the Serenity Prayer:
"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change [past, not in my control], Courage to change the things I can [focus on what I CAN do, and learn new ways to adapt], and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Over the last 21 years, I have learned a lot. I would not have chosen these events. But I now see where God was in control the entire time. "I know the plans I have for you.... plans for hope and a future," is what God tells me in Isaiah. It is not the path that I would have willingly chosen for myself... motorcycle crash, crushed leg, 31 surgeries, pain and disappointments.... "sure, sign me up." Nonetheless, I am blessed beyond measure. I have become a stronger person who is learning to take my value less from what I do and more for Who's I am.

I joke about the fact that with so many surgeries and stuff, the guardian angels have to draw lots in hopes of not getting me as an assignment. I'm sure I have worn out at least a dozen sets. I know that like Paul, God has allowed me to be molded through trials. That if I hadn't had all this happen TO me, because He cares FOR me, I would probably have been a prideful, arrogant, competitive jerk. So when the trumpet sounds, get ready to eat my dust... cause I'm going to be running into glory!

But for now, I'm going to keep on placing my faith in Him and do my best to help others to meet my Saviour so that they can come with me. You wanna come???

Why I Tweet

Tweeting [posting a message on Twitter] IS conversation that is not just "for the birds". It's a way to soar to new heights of involvement in other people's lives.

"A little bird told me . . . " what did you hear, what are you listening to, what interests you and what of value do you have to offer others?

Twitter is a web service that is so easily integrated with other websites, phones and mobile devices that it is quickly becoming the primary way to stay involved.

I believe that Twitter is a valuable tool because it allows me to stay current with what's happening right now in other people's lives. It is a major method by which I can not only meet new networks and friends, but also build those relationships exponentially as we literally share our lives with one another in a messaging kind of way. These messages are sent in short updates based on the question "What are you doing now?"

However, that doesn't mean to say that we need to know that you are blowing your nose or taking out the trash. It gives me "up to the minute" updates on what is happening in peoples lives: I get instant prayer requests, testimony to God's provision, thought-provoking opinions and advice, leads and links to other resources, a wide range of TRUE HELP in a time of need. If too much noise comes from a source that I am listening to, I simply will no longer listen.

Just like in real life conversation you choose who you will listen to. "Follow" is the term that Twitter uses. Just as in a crowded room at a social event, you wouldn't care to hear what every single person might have to say, rather you value listening to and talking with those who have something that you value to say or ask. What is interesting to you?

How interactive is it?? The crowded room is like a group chat in the new media world. A lot of different people are talking at once, so they have to be divided up into smaller groups "chat rooms" which generally center around some topic. However to participate in a chat room, or an IM chat for that matter, you must be physically there to take part. The conversation goes on without you and you may simply miss out.

This is a bit different than a message board... again usually centered around a topic or an email or webpost... which is posted then may be left for a while before any more activity takes place. Not necessarily at-this-moment, but when you get around to it. The posts are stored somewhere for reference and/or later action.

Now let's look at Twitter. Twitter would be like the host of the party coming into the crowded room and saying, there is dancing in the Grand Hall, a buffet on the terrace, and by the way, a red BMW has left its lights on. If you were out of the room when the announcement was made your friend can restate what was said (Twitter keeps some of the more recent tweets), so you can pop in and out of Twitter and just check back. BBL (be back later) The announcements were made publicly, but a person chooses to act only on those things that are of interest to him.

My tweeting has gotten me into friendships that would have taken me much longer to find (if at all) just out on the streets. Twitter is a communication tool that acts kind of like a family reunion or gathering of friends. You get to know people by word of mouth: things they say, tweets about opinions they have, books they read, music and food preferences, and more importantly to me their overall character... the way that they live life.

Reach out... go to them...I see a HUGE opportunity here to bypass all the awkwardness of social boundaries like what do I wear, how do I act, who can I go with so that I'm not alone, suppose I don't know anyone there... all the insecurities that can paralyze people in fear. I believe a lot of these concerns have crossed peoples minds at some time or another and driven them to the conclusion that going out into some social situations is just too 'fake" as many people try to dress and impress for that first impression. Once people listen to others on Twitter, they get to know them before they go out in public places. Twitter is great for setting up a spontaneous get-together: meet for lunch, go to a movie, games at Lou's... fear of rejection by asking out on a formal date is bypassed by "I'm going to ------ wanna come?".

I think that Twitter allows people to be honest and transparent in a way that frees a person from so much fear and rejection, and allows for true fellowship to take place. In my experience I have developed a group of people that I care for like family. When they hurt or need help, I am quick to encourage. When they celebrate something good, so do we all. That is BIBLICAL in my eyes.

Additional WITNESSING opportunities as postings demonstrate how a Christian lives in real life. Suddenly a non-believer's aversion to anything Christian as being judgmental and hypocritical is challenged by the fact that there are several postings a day of how professing Christians are 'walking the talk'. That all Christians are not condescending and condemning. That Christians, like any other person, are in process. We are ALL on a journey; and Twitter can help us take it side by side!

DARE----Accountability -- another benefit of the Twitter community is the fact that we can help each other remain accountable. Did you get that math homework done Jon? We essentially "spur one another on" -- another Biblical principle I see that is assisted through using Twitter. We can challenge each other to examine our opinions and how those line up with the truth that we value.

SHARE----By sharing what we experience, know, feel, enjoy, dislike, value and detest, we are opening ourselves up to the possiblities of helping each other,

CARE - encouraging and being encouraged,

PRAYER -praying for each other, giving advise and practical aid in specific areas that can be stated very specifically and in-the-moment. For example, "I am having a problem with trying to get my pictures off of the digital camera. Can someone help?" OR "My sister went into early labor, please pray" OR "I'm going to South Bend for the weekend. Where's a good restaurant to try?"

For the most part Twitter is Public (there are privacy settings and direct messaging that can be just one on one) so many people can contribute to a conversation about when and where to meet, advice on problem-solving, recommendations on resources, when one person posts a prayer request or a statement about being ill or something, it is fantastic to see the flurry of posts that respond.

People do listen. People do care. Every person matters. Twitter helps communicate all of that.

Looking at INNOVATION as bringing creativity to bear against solving a problem, then Twitter is a very valuable tool in the realm of innovation.

Meditation by Moonlight

Midnight snuck up on me again. I was doing work at the computer and time went faster than it was supposed to. So Spirit, our terrier, gives me the "are you finally ready for bed look" and heads for the back door for the final going outside ritual.

I went ahead and stepped out onto the back deck and was instantly taken by what a beautiful night it was. The temperature was refreshingly cool, but not cold. The humidity that was so oppressive just yesterday was now a nice moisturizing caress as the wind gently blew. The night was quiet with only rustling leaves and upper level wind sounds moving the clouds across the moonlit sky.

That's when I saw it! The moon was gorgeous. The last time I was so mesmerized by the lunar light was during the solar eclipse earlier this year.

So I ran inside and grabbed my digital camera to see if I could capture what I was seeing. Mind you, mine is a point and shoot digital with very few of the higher tech lenses and settings that I enjoy on my 35mm, so I decided it would be fun to experiment.

I played around with settings; flash *ha* vs. no flash, zoom out vs. zoom in, holding at different angles, holding close to body and stiff vs. away from body and loose. I was having a lot of fun as I incorporated some treetops or branches and composed different shots.

Then I did something I haven't done in years. I went out into the yard and just laid down in the grass and gazed skyward. I didn't really care that the ground had dampness from all of yesterday's rain or that dew was collecting on the blades on which I was about to repose. Though Spirit was quite confused as to why I was lying in the grass in the dark and taking photos, nevertheless, she came to join me and we made a memory that I just had to share.

Though my initial motivation was to lie down to stabilize myself for no flash nighttime photos [because I was determined NOT to go inside and dig out my tripod], I soon found myself once again under the spell of the 'lesser light of the heavens'.

I was truly enjoying my time watching the high cloud shapes and colors dancing with the moon. I found myself watching the colors change as the bright orb temporarily ducked behind the passing clouds. I even found myself eagerly anticipating when the moon would emerge in the upcoming clearings.

It was as if the moon were saying to the clouds, "you may think you can keep me from shining my light, but your opposition to my mission is merely temporary. You will pass on by, while I will remain. Your desire to stop me from my purpose is but a mere hindrance. In your attempt to hide me, to shame me and belittle my light, you have actually brought about additional interest to the nighttime sky. So, like Joseph of the Old Testament, I say to you, 'you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."

The Bible says that even without another person's testimony, creation itself will testify to the existence of our supreme creator. It was a blessing to have the moon reminding me that though the clouds seem dark and ominous at times, though they seem as if they will snuff out anything I try to do and attempt to make me disappear, yet will I continue to burn on. The light that God has given me is just as bright as it emerges from me whether I am behind a cloud of opposition or in a clear spot. The passing clouds of various earthly trials are fleeting events.

The very clouds of what appear to the world as threatening to my very existence have no effect on my ability to shine for God. If I continue to shine, the colors may change, and shadows dance across the landscape. However, if I keep my focus on reflecting the Son's true light, those watching can join with me in anticipation of the hope that is ours and the celebration as we emerge victorious on the other side.

What's more, though I did not change in the amount of light I was reflecting, it would appear to the observer that I am shining even more brightly as I come out of the shadow of the clouds than had I been simply alone in the sky and unhindered!

Yes. It definitely was a very interesting night.

I would value your response if you would kindly comment on this post.

Bath Time

BunniesD2C-poster
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

After feeding it is bath time; messaging clean and then down belly and to the tail to help newborns learn to eliminate after eating and outside of the sleeping area.

Plus by noticing their elimination, I can tell if they are digesting well. That and their energy level tell me they are doing fine so far. : )

This is wild mama rabbit behavior and Sable is learning to clean not only himself but also his sibling.

Time to Eat

BunnieD2B-poster
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

Though not the softest of nipples, the monoject helps me deliver the formula (condensed milk, goats milk, clover honey and soluble vitamins). I am very careful to not depress the plunger too fast so as to prevent aspiration.

I learned that bunnies of this age, eyes are not opened yet, will eat about 2 times a day and about 2 ml per feeding. Most important feeding time is between midnight and 5 a.m..

Whatever the cc/ml amount, I look to the little one to tell me when it is full and look for signs of a nice rounded tummy when done.

Tiny Tennants

BunnieD2A-poster
Originally uploaded by Ellen5e

This is the second day of caring for the newborn orphan cottontails.
Their 3 older siblings were killed when the nest was destroyed by either our terrier or the neighbor's cat. Mother bunny didn't pick a very good spot for them.

They still have sign of umbilical stub and were quite emaciated when I rescued them. Each of them weighed just over 1 oz. Although the odds are greatly against survival of babies this small, I think that my animal husbandry skills improve the odds.

Gardening: A part of the Miracle

I really do enjoy gardening.

I would rather spend all day out there than do laundry, wash dishes, vacuum or grocery shop. There is just something about digging into the dirt, breaking up the tough crust of the earth and pulling out the weeds that is therapeutic. The feel of the worked soil and the actual smell of the earth and fresh plants adds to the sense of feeling like I'm a part of creation.

Since my shoulder injury at the beginning of July, I am really missing the time that I used to spend gardening. Even mowing the grass was "gardening" to me. Plus, I would be getting fresh air and exercise. Alas, my bum right shoulder is severely painful and limits what I can do.

This past Friday, I received the bad news that I would need to cut physical therapy short and go back to my family doctor for more diagnostic tests (probably an MRI). I simply am NOT getting better even with what PT I can do. In fact I'm getting worse. The therapist thought I should be further in recovery if nothing worse was wrong... so... back to the doctor I will go. UUUGH>- -<

This is bad news for my gardening urges. I have managed to stay on top of critical issues like watering, feeding; dead-heading and harvesting. However... here in Indy we have had quite a bit of rain and the weather is fabulous so vegetation is getting the density of a jungle. And this shoulder makes it extremely difficult to pull weeds. Hoeing/// Forget about it! Running the mower or weed-eater... No Way!

So I must watch in dismay as my garden looks so much more scraggly than it should. I must ask for help from my husband to do things that I would normally do. Humble pie just does not taste as good as the cherry kind.

"Whatever things are true, honest, righteous, pure, lovely, of good repute, excellent or worthy of praise let your mind dwell on these things. . ." Phillipians 4:8,9

Click here to view To snap out of these bummed shoulder blues... I decided to finally post the many photos I have taken of my garden and flowers so far this year. I hope you all enjoy them.

Growing Pains

Today I was commenting on another Christian brother's blog post in which he shared his frustration and discouragement of not knowing where he "fit in". I decided my response would be worthy of posting on my own blog. So here you are --

Well my little Brother in Christ... you are Growing UP!!

All of us are born into this world with that big vacancy that only God can fill. We ALL try to fill it with substitutes from time to time... even AFTER we're "saved". That's our sinful human nature. Pride wants us to take the credit for solving all the problems, wielding all the power, and controlling all that there is to control.

What you have been, and are now, experiencing is called growing pains. I am NOT attempting to minimize the pain and frustration that you've been enduring. Rather, I am just trying to congratulate you for your acknowledging it.

As good ol' Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." However, there is a more dependable source than even the smart doctor: the Holy Scriptures state that "fear is the beginning of understanding".

Let's face it, one of our greatest trials can be fear. Fears often cause us to get off-balance, and then before we regain our composure something ELSE comes along. We get HAMMERED by fear.

I believe that Satan feeds on our fears. That little Devil gains great joy when we beat ourselves up. "Why do I keep doing things wrong? Why doesn't anybody want to BE with me? Why am I such a problem? What good am I doing? Maybe they'd be better off without me. Maybe I'll just stay home. I wouldn't have had any fun anyway. . .

Soon, we can find ourselves isolated, lonely, and depressed. That is far from God's plan for us to be: connected and involved with people, and living lives full of blessings and victory over trials and problems. Fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness, gentleness and self-control... that's what God wants for us. And He provides the means if we just look to Him as the source.

And then there's the concern of those of us who are "people pleasers". "What are THEY going to THINK?" "They're going to be: mad at me, disappointed, hurt... They'll think I'm ugly, nerdy, goofy, stupid, a fool, a burden..."

Do you see it? The way Satan gets us to focus on ME. If he can convince me to focus on myself and how terrible I am; then he will succeed in keeping me from doing the very thing I am here for. I am here to show God's love to others and to allow God's love to come to me through others. When the love of God is allowed to flow through and to me... then and only then do I get to feel the joy of purpose.

That is how I can be joyful even during times of trouble. Jesus promised a helper. He NEVER lies. The Holy Spirit ministers to me through other people. And I am allowed to minister to others in the same way. See 2 Cor.1:3-7 :D

"Perfect love casts out fear," so to obtain "the peace that passes understanding" allow yourself to turn to the comfort found in His Holy Word. By examining the truths that God reveals; we are better equipped to recognize the lies that try to present themselves as truths.

I started out with this being an encouragement to a brother. But as much as I have seen Satan's handiwork in action lately.. I think I'm going to actually blog this as well.

In the meantime, Brother, I hope that you will be strengthened as you focus on calling the "stinkin' thinkin'
flat=out lies! God said that you are His adopted child and there is nothing that anyone can do to take you from His hand.

God's Word is TRUTH and it says in Romans 8 -- "(38) For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, nor heavenly rulers, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, (39) neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

And WHEN (not IF) I get beaten up on the Battlefield of the Mind, I must quit going on the offense and take a defensive stance. All I have to do is get behind that Shield that God has given to me... the battle is the Lord's and He is my Deliverer. So sometimes I just need to acknowledge that I NEED Him. Then I just need to fully rely on Him, having faith that He is control of it all. . . that His way is the Best way.

Psalm 119:114 --"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your Word."

In closing, I would just like to:
Exalt the Savior - He is in control
Equip the Saints - Study His words to fight lies with truth
Edify the Body - remember You are not alone
Examine myself - this advice for you is also reminder for me
Evangelize - let's press on and share what we learn : )

With love, Ellen5e

Storm Leaves Some Disconnected

One of my great passions is communications. Graphic Arts, photography, video, music and song, face to face and (increasingly) net-based, new media. Yes FaceBook, Twitter, G-mail, IMs have greatly enriched my everyday life and ministry opportunities.

Like most conveniences of our modernized lives, the importance of the technology isn't really appreciated until it's lost. And that's where I am at the moment... DISCONNECTED.

Last night at 9:20 p.m. a nasty thunderstorm descended upon our neighborhood and unleashed its fury! Lightning strobed. Thunder shook walls. One particularly close strike sent our terrier straight up into the air in fright. Our electricity flashed, just enough to have to reset the VCR/DVR and cause me to go into possible power failure mode. Lighting up the hurricane oil lamp, shutting down computer and peripherals and double checking power surge protector connections; the inevitable happens... the cable connection is lost immediately following a gigantic howling of wind.

With computer off, TV out of commission, and me not wanting to start more reading... I pulled out my guitar and actually practiced technique! I can't tell you how long it's been since I have played focusing on musical technique as opposed to automatic "plug and play" or "Zone out and sing out"... that kind of thing.

After the worst of the storm seems to have passed, I noticed that there were tree leave clumps scattered all over the yard. I was grateful to learn that our 50 foot ash tree managed to keep a grasp of it's limbs. Though, I took a flashlight outside to inspect the cable connections, I didn't see the problem. But clearly we were without cable service. No internet, no TV, not even phone. I am DISCONNECTED!

Fortunately, we still had electrical power, so I did some non-internet computer work and office organization well into the night... into the next morning hours actually.
So much for my original thought of "stormy weather, stuff shut down, I'll make up for recent sleep loss".

My chronic pain always flairs with severe weather and this proved to be no exception.
One of the ongoing tools my chronic pain group uses is "Don't Isolate". And here I was forced into isolation. EEEK!

So, again, I was up 'til near 4 a.m... only 2.5 hours of sleep this time. God help me. I did get task lists organized and established for Getting Things Done, so though the hours were later than I'd have liked, they were very productive. Just not on the major project that I really WANT/NEED to work on... I need the internet for that....aaah.

Here it is 24 HOURS LATER and it seems like a WEEK!
Thank God, I could just hobble on back to my alma mater Crossroads Bible College, the nest of my New Media outreach, and walk right in to settle in at the very same computer station I used while here last December. Check it out.... this computer still houses bookmarks of my favorites. I'm feeling more CONNECTED already.

So as I am nestled in front of the warm glow of the computer screen actually getting some online work done, God continues to minister: I meet an elderly poet who likes to talk religion and reads and comments on my blogs and picture posts. He does most of the talking, I politely stay engaged, but it is God's words that come from my lips to him over and again. : ) A bit frustrated by not getting more "things done", but realize that this divine appointment may have been an investment in a fellow's day; a possible paradigm shift, hopefully an encouragement in his faith walk.

Later, I talk to staff members... testimony sharing time. God is praised and we are blessed.

Then, Jamel a co-student, younger brother in Christ and FaceBook friend happens into the computer lab. What a great surprise. He graduated but is giving a sermon tomorrow so we share the lab as well as exchange useful Bible quotes and illustrations. You know, the very last time I saw Jamal was over 6 months ago. He was preparing for a sermon to give the next day then as well. Coincidence? I don't think so!! I'm really feeling connected and loved now.

Once again, the thing that strikes me most is that I am NOT getting as much of my Project presentation done as I had hoped. However, by putting the people over the things; God is clearly working!! I wish you could SEE this. It's exciting.


So, as I had forgotten yet another password... to my FriendFeed account... I went to ask them to reset it. I of course had to verify the request with a Captcha (random words to weed out unauthentic requests and tampering). Mind you these are RANDOM.
Are you ready to see this???


This "random" set of words given me by Captcha didn't seem so random given the trial I was passing through at the time.

"Render" I had been rendered, torn, forced to do things in a manner I would not willingly have chosen. I rendered to Him that which is due. God is in control!

"Believe" Have Faith, Trust in the One who ALWAYS gives me ALL that I need, and gives so in such abundance that it is beyond my comprehension.

Nothing Is Too Small

I have been going through a passage of maturity just lately. A very ominous, daunting, dark and narrow pass threatened me just this last weekend.

I have been taking part in an inter-city mission that I had been called two "accidentally" for over two years. "Ask Anything Saturdays" is conducted at the Unleavened Bread Cafe in the heart of Indianapolis. This mission-field is one in which some of us Christians implant ourselves into an otherwise unfamiliar culture to be used to show the love of Christ in practical ways.

The overall objective is to be available to introduce anyone who comes in off the street to the basics of using computers. So much of our society today involves the World Wide Web for developing job skills, applying for jobs, conducting research and getting to the information in a fraction of the time it used to take. Even more exciting, is the opportunity to make new friendships and network across many physical boundaries.

The internet has allowed us to cross racial, economical, cultural and educational boundaries. There are tutorials that help the newbies start out on this new adventure called the Internet. There are still some accessibility issues, especially for the aged and the economically strained. However, thanks to Public Libraries, schools, and now other social gathering computer cafe's, this boundary too, is being torn down.

Since I consider myself a "Walmart Missionary" (my term for witness and connect WHEREVER you happen to be at the time, to whomever happens to be around, in whatever way the Lord leads) when I was first asked to make myself available for a few hours on Saturday mornings, I accepted the commission.

This is an commitment that I do not take lightly. I often have NO idea of who will be there or what possible way(s) I may help them.

This last Saturday, July 5th, there were BIG plans at the UBCafe. We had been urging some cafe regulars to come to a special Media Training event. I was encouraged by a co-servant to spearhead the workshop. It would take a bit of extra preparation on my part, but I was very happy to accept the challenge. We even invited others from outside the usual crowd to come join us.

Thursday night before the Saturday event, the Great Oppressor started to work on me. I had a terrible fever, too nauseous to eat, extremely weak and a headache that made looking at my computer monitor for prepwork extremely difficult. All day Friday the illness continued. Then the battlefield of the mind was being bombarded with "oh man, wonder if this fever doesn't go away? Suppose I am not prepared enough?"

God, comforted me with a remembrance of the story of the little boy with the tidbits of fishes and loaves that fed thousands. "Just do what you can and I will take care of the rest. Don't listen to the Supreme Liar who is trying to convince you that you can't do it. Remember, in weakness, God's strength is magnified."

This is the same exact lesson that God has been showing me to encourage not only myself, but other Christian workers who are getting bombarded lately.

Saturday morning arrived. My body was still sick, but I was trusting that my fever was NOT contagious and prepared for the workshop. I had gathered all of my things and was heading out to our only car only to discover that we were totally out of gas!

So, my husband quickly took the van down the street to put in some gas, while I phoned to my friends to let them know that I would be tardy, but I AM coming. I felt so apologetic, knowing that they were waiting for me. Again the battlefield of the mind was aglow with new "worthlessness" bombs and a barrage of "you're letting everyone down" grenades.

About that time, Steve returned to tell me that our debit card was declined and we have no credit card. OH NO!! It turned out we'd been double charged and it hadn't been credited back because of the holiday weekend banking hours : (

Earlier in the week we literally emptied our penny bank for gas so that I could make it to another Christian meeting I felt lead to attend. A Christian brother handed me a folded bill and simply said "here, go get some gas". I was blessed to receive the bill. I would go straight to put $5 of gas into the car. When I went to pay, I discovered that the bill was really a $10. So I pocketed the remaining $5 and over the course of the next day bought a gallon of milk (on sale!) and still had $3 left.

That $3 put enough gas into the van for me to get into the workshop. I had earned a fifty dollar check dog sitting earlier, that Steve would go cash at customer's bank which would close at noon.

Now, I was almost an hour late !!! The battlefield was having a turn in the fighting. I was more convinced than ever that Satan really did NOT want me to go this morning. And I KNOW from experience that when things get this bad, there is going to be a tremendous Godthing happen! I even verbalized that fact to my husband who was driving me in. And then again, I spoke out loud as I rushed right in to the community room. "Hold on and pay attention, God is gonna do something!"

I went from dread to anticipation. Leaning not on my own understanding. Not getting hung up with the "oh, there are not as many people here as I thought there'd be, maybe they left because I was so late." I was excited to see what was going to happen. Confident in the fact that whoever was here, whatever we shared, whatever we did... all of it was in God's hands, for His glory and for the blessing of us all.

We DID have a very productive workshop. It was difficult to balance the information between the totally inexperienced and the already understanding individuals so as not to cause sensory overload on the novices nor bore the experienced. God IS good.

Again, I was comforted as I AGAIN encouraged us all with the sufficiency of our Great God. That whatever little thing we have to bring God WILL use. We do NOT have to do it all. And what we may think is NOT enough, with God's power becomes MORE than enough.

As I was outside teaching basic video filming with some of the trainees, two of my brothers in Christ were talking about me. When I came back, I was offered a JOB! Those who know me and my physical limitations and lack of income, know what a tremendous blessing this was. My new employer has offered to pay me for doing communications work for the Ministry that he spearheads. Communications is my passion and now I'm actually going to get a little money for that. He was reminding me that he couldn't pay me much (apologizing about not being able to pay MUCH), but that it should help offset gas money. "It's not very much"??? What is the lesson we are learning boys and girls?

God is sufficient... just do what I can.... He'll handle the rest.
It's called walking by faith, NOT by sight.

Then, another miracle happened. My husband called my cell phone. Was I ready to be picked up? Oh yes, it was now after 2pm and I hadn't eaten yet, could he please bring me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with him?

To which he replied, "it just so happens that we got $100 refund in the mail just now". That was enough to buy some much needed groceries! Immediately after ending the call, I began to tear up. "God, you've done it AGAIN!"

I was so filled with praise for what He had done for us, that I gathered about 6 brothers and sisters who were about to leave the Cafe and said... "please just give me 5 seconds to tell you something and pray with me."

We gathered in a circle holding hands and I reported all that God had been doing just that very day. Then I offered up praise that just spewed out of me, with my dear friends joining in the Thanksgiving to our Saviour. Tears of joy and undeserved blessing streamed down my face. I thanked my friends and thought they'd leave. But once again God was not DONE blessing yet. A brother who I do not really know well at all, asked to pray. He affirmed that something that I had said testified to something he was learning through God!! Blessing upon Blessings... now this was a worship service. 7 people and gathered angels praising our Awesome God!

So, though this blog post is one of my longest yet. I think of it as a pile of stones of remembrance; set to remind us of how God cares for even the little things, even me.

It is fitting that this Independence Day weekend was one in which I was set free in a new way. That by simply pressing on against the seemingly narrow passage; I not only was escorted through the narrow chasm, but my SAVIOR used the Holy Scripture to BLAST a passageway, the Holy Spirit to energize me forward and the Awesome Grace of God to show me that on the other side of the passageway was beautiful meadow full of all the blessings that are yet to come!!

Thanks for taking this trip with me : )
Because I believe like it says in the book of Corinthians that when we share such things together, our sorrows are halved and our joys doubled!!

PS I've also embedded a great song on this page called "Just How Big Small Can Be" by 1000 Generations. This is my theme song for this portion of the journey of my life.

Thanx 4 the prayers. The party was great! I messed up one of my mandolin leads, but only a couple of us in the band even noticed anything wrong. Just kept playing & it was okay : )

Another Milestone!

2008-05-28:Today marks another milestone in the life of our family. Our only child Michelle is graduating from High School.

Tuesday was her first day not to ride the bus to school for the school year. I was so tempted to have some fun and run into her room (after knocking of course) and say, "hurry up the bus is coming!" Just to watch her sit up straight in bed, 'cause I knew she'd be asleep. Fun thought... but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I did share the thought with her later tho' and received a chuckle.

As it was we had a moment last Friday when I was about to drive her father to work. He said, "now, don't miss the bus." As soon as he finished saying that, I said, "do you realize that that is the last time you'll have to say that to her?" I continued, "I remember when Campy (our old dog) and I waited with you to catch your first school bus to kindergarten; and now, now it's time for the last one." It was a neat look on Michelle's face as I could see all of her school years flash across her memory.

We were very proud to watch her receive honors last Monday night. Outstanding Orchestra medal, and Outstanding Japanese foreign language medal. She was also awarded the "President's Award" with a letter from President George W. Bush. She didn't quite make it to the required 10.0 of 12.0 for top scholars of the senior class, but she was close. I'd rather stress integrity and honor than strictly grades, and we did see her making the effort.

Yes, the high school chapter is coming to a successful end! I am thankful to God that He has allowed her to not only learn educationally, but remain healthy, develop great character and a growing relationship with Him. She is truly admired by classmates and staff alike. As parents, we are so very proud!

Transformation of Information

This morning after doing my Bible Studies and listening to Christian radio while partaking in a nice contemplative soak in a hot bath, I had a thought. Surprise.

Do I do a good job of using information that I am bombarded with everyday, or is it just so much clutter? Am I contributing to my own confusion, effectively spinning my tires, gunning the accelerator while the engine is in neutral, rather than applying what I learn? If so, my personal lack of discipline can work toward Satan's goal of keeping me from being effective for Christ.

It occurred to me that I MUST apply the information I receive or there is no chance at making any change. It is tragic to waste time and energy, because it is valuable in relation to reaching others with the love of God and bringing glory to Him which is my whole purpose!

So, being visually-minded as I am, I devised a VISUAL ANALOGY sticker to remind me of applying what is valuable and discarding the rest.

Growing and Helping Grow

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always enjoyed the garden. I like the idea of helping to make the magic of a garden happen. My brother and I would have some really awesome dirt clod fights as we prepared the seed beds. We did have to put a size limit on what an acceptable dirt clod looked like, or else welts would appear after being pummeled by a hunk of Indiana clay that acted more like granite than dirt. OUCH!

Oh, and the fun times I had as a teenager, driving the tractor as my dad screamed "quit driving so crooked... straighten it up... what are you doing?'' Have YOU ever tried to steer a hopping tractor in a straight line when it's bouncing across ruts and valleys?? Well, it's not easy. The stripping of the gears and popping of the clutch, the smell of the diesel spewing out of the exhaust that mixed with the smell of the nearby hay, these are but a few of my farmin' memories.

But after we got through the hard part of removing any boulders or rocks or stumps, turning over the soil, plowing and then discing so that the soil became workable, then we would use the harrow and even out the topsoil. We three older kids got to ride on the top of the harrow on a platform to help weigh it down as Dad pulled it along. It no longer looked like the same landscape. The soil was prepared. It looked receptive. Ready to bear whatever we planted.

That's when the real fun began. We'd take out the kid's wagon full of supplies. Seed packets and a few seedlings we'd started inside to be transplanted in our new garden. Dad would lay out some twine between a couple of twigs and hoe a beautiful little furrow. He always knew just how far apart in children's hand-breadths and how deep in kids finger depth to place the seeds. So we kids were entrusted with the responsibility of following those directions exactly for the crop he had us working on, while he went on to hoe another row. Seed down in the furrow, next seed, cover with dirt, press down firmly and a cup of water to drink... and so the pattern continued for most of the day.

Yes, my father did a wonderful thing in that family garden. He taught his children to appreciate good, hard work. The joy that comes from being a caretaker and a partaker of the fruits of personal labor and God's gracious miracle of provision.

The Good Book talks about how a seed must die, before it can live. But once it dies in the ground, it sends out a brand new sprout which seeks out the light and pushes it's way up through the soil. Then it stretches toward the sun and sends out branches and leaves, pods and beans, fruits, etc. All of these in turn, produce even more seeds!! Not to mention some delicious eating for some growing children.

I used to hate it, when Dad would make us go and pull weeds. Especially cutting down thistles that were as tall as I was. But I learned the importance of keeping the weeds down so that the soil's nutrients would not be robbed from the crop that we desired.

To this day, I so enjoy the feel of the dirt when it is just right. The soil is warm and moist to where I can pull even the deepest dandelion before it sends up colonies of weeds. I love the feel of the dirt on my hands (I only use gloves for the hardcore stuff). Even dirt under my fingernails is not as annoying as it once was. I can smell the minerals in the soil, especially after a nice springtime shower.

As I relive all these pleasant memories, I can't help but recall all of the similes that are found in a garden. God chose to start His creation of man in a garden. Provision and beauty abounded. There was purpose and fellowship, joy and love in that garden. Yes, the garden is a wonderful illustration of the Marvelous Master Gardener and His loving, nurturing care for me and those I love.

No wonder I love to garden so.

Leg Work: a bit of bone surgery

The 21st of February, the very day after I turned 46, I had my 31st surgery. God has been good to me in that I made it through another one.

This was the easiest surgery I've ever had on my leg. Dr. Karl Raynor went in and removed 2" from my left distal fibula (smaller lower leg bone) and the internal bone stimulator that was placed in there when my ankle was totally fused in May of 2006.

You can see the wires sticking out of where the devise had been. See that sharp bone sticking out of the back of the leg? That is the place to which my fibula was cut this time (where some tendon attach). It was about 2" longer but had grown toward the tibia to try to make a pseudo-joint which was causing unbearable bone pain for me.

The wires from the bone stim were wrapped around the ankle area along with some bone removed from my fibula to help attain a solid fusion. Though the bone stim is supposed to stimulate bone growth in the area where the wires are located, apparently some EMFs encouraged some bone growth at the end of my fibula that we didn't want.

You can see that I have a metal rod and a couple of long screws that bind things together. It looks rather robotic on xray, but kind of nasty in real life. I have a crookedy lower left leg with no outer ankle protrusion at all. It's flat and majorly scarred.

Still . . . I have my own leg and foot. I even have most of my sensory nerve functions so that I feel thing with that foot which is amazing given all that it's been through.

I joke with people who can't believe how many surgeries I've survived by saying, " When God does finally take me home, it will probably be from an infection from a paper cut or something small like that."

Seriously, the prayers of my friends have helped sustain me through everything. It is especially important since I am allergic to all the main pain medications.

I went into surgery at about 11 a.m.. My nurse's name was also Ellen (43 y.o.) and she also likes to long distance run. Therefore she understood when I said I take the pain and push it aside like when you are waiting for your "second wind". Still the different people including the anesthesiologist found it hard to believe that I was not taking anything for the intense pain.

I came out of surgery in record time and was very talkative even before I could open my eyes. I heard Dr. Summers (the anesthesiologist) check on me before he left. I asked him to please give us some "Summer" weather. It was a bad joke, but he laughed anyway.

At 1 p.m. I was home in my own bed! The nerve block that they gave me in surgery worked so well that I felt no bone pain, just sharp cut of the incision. The On-Q Pain med ball was in place to drip Marcaine right into the surgical site, and was a godsend for the three days it worked!

With my leg elevated in the wheelchair, I am finally able to get back to my computer to catch up (if that's EVEN possible) with all the things I need to attend to. [Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition because that's how I would speak naturally].

Currently, I am using lydocaine pain patches next to the incision for 12 hours a day to help with the pain. I am to be non-weightbearing until at least Monday when I get the stitches out.

The most frustrating thing is that I can't do housework that I want, cook supper, or be much help around here. AND I am lonely, since I am unable to go out just yet. Thank God for phone calls and book reading, cause there's hardly anything worth watching on TV.

Well, I'm gonna call it quits for this post. I'll just be "kickin' back" and recovering for a bit.

Weathering the Storm

Right now the wind is really howling outside my office window. It makes me think about the storms of life and about the sermon at church today.

The sermon was about Jonah and how he hired a boat to take him in the opposite direction of where God had told him to go. Jonah understood that God was telling him to go to Ninevah to give them the message to repent from their great wickedness and that God would then show mercy on them. Jonah understood, but that is not what he wanted. He wanted God to punish their evil, not show mercy. So when faced with doing something other than what he knew he should do, Noah ran away.

How many times does that happen to you? You have already set your course and God throws a Ninevah assignment at you.

What did happen to Jonah? Well, the poor sailors that were transporting him were threatened by the very same tremendous storm that God brought up to stop Jonah's defiance. Once it was revealed that it was Jonah's fault that they were in danger, the sailors asked Jonah what they must do to appease God's wrath. Jonah instructed them to throw him into the turbulent sea.

You see, Jonah would rather die than just tell the sailors to turn the boat around and sail to Ninevah. But God kept pursuing Jonah and helped him complete His assignment by providing alternate transportation in the form of a giant fish that swallowed Jonah whole.

Swallow a man whole you say? There isn't a fish that big. Well, my God is the God of all creation and I believe that His Word is true, so I believe that He did send that giant fish on a mission of its own. I would imagine that the fish wasn't real keen on swallowing this guy, but at least he obeyed.

So three days of pondering in the belly of that great fish probably had some impact on Jonah's acceptance of the mission. And the fact that when he was spit out by the fish, it was onto the shore of the land God had told him to travel in the first place... well, that should have been a major clue. No matter what YOU want, it's what God says that needs to get done.

So here are some questions to ponder:
What assignment have you been sent on with which you have refused to comply?
Why not just do it? Fear.... stuborness... inconvenience... pride?
Do you see sudden storms or alternate routes arise due to your defiance or denial of who is really in charge?
What is it going to take for you to accept the mission?

As I am about to go through another surgery, I am viewing it as an assignment. I am laying aside what I was striving to do: "I NEED to get a paying job, do more for my family, pay endless bills, clean up my office, update my computer, clean up the clutter and prepare our taxes."

Yep, it's time to turn this ship around . . . it's going to be God's way. I've never been very keen on the smell of fish.